I was once told by a divorced friend that marriage is something he will not even recommend to his worst enemy. Well, he may sound bitter but in all actuality marriage is hard.
I see some young people so in love wanting to jump into marriage and “live happily ever after.” Happy ever after is a work in progress and sometimes people get tired of working, get sick of working on the same thing and just get frustrated that the work is not actually progressing. So people get out of it. That’s what’s nice, there is an exit option. But even after exiting a marriage, people still need to find that special someone that they will be able to connect to on a different level which will eventually end in marriage more often than not.
I’ve been married for the past 7 years and it may not be long enough for some but this are some ideas (at least mine) as to how your marriage can work.
1. Trust.
Trust in a relationship is often associated with fidelity and although that is only one aspect of trust we will begin with trusting your partner to be faithful.
a. Fidelity – Sometimes you hear your partner saying, “I trust you but I don’t trust that man/woman. “ This is the bottom line, if you say that you trust that person then it should end there. If you’re partner is attractive, it is obvious that the opposite sex would try to get her/him. If you trust her/him then you would trust her/him to be able to say no to any advances or temptation.
b. Peer Pressure – if you do not like her/his friends because they may influence her to do something bad or dislikable, same as above, you will have to trust her to avoid any shaky situations that her friends may recommend or induce her to engage in.
c. Honesty/Sincerity – you will have to trust that your partner is telling the truth or is being sincere about what he/she says. Even if you’re partner is honest/sincere if you do not trust his/her word, then honesty becomes pointless.
It is true that these can be used abusively by your partner, but that is the nature of trust. It is like making an investment in business – you have to dish out money before you can even make it. The same in marriage you have to open yourself up before you can truly make it work.
2. Intimacy.
Intimacy is brought about by sex and communication.
a. Sex - Some people may say that sex is not important. It is. It is important not just because we have physical needs but because it can be the expression of appreciation, love and affection. Appreciation because your partner still desires you which signifies that to him/her you are still attractive. Essentially, he appreciates your beauty. Sex as a symbol of love is a no brainer. Affection because it can be an opportunity for your partner to make you happy or satisfied and vice versa.
b. Communication – We cannot possibly know what another person is thinking about unless we talk. We are not mind readers. Communication provides an avenue for you to get to know your partner in a deeper level. Moreover, as time passes people change, constant communication will allow you to keep track of the changes happening to your partner, to adjust, to appreciate and hopefully, to grow with your partner.
Intimacy in both sex and communication is very important because if you do intend to grow old with your partner there will come a point wherein there will no longer be any sex or even talking. However, if this intimacy has been worked out earlier then when we get old with our partners, the slightest touch, the most gentle holding of hands and a very simple look is enough to show appreciation, love and affection and most of all these will be enough to say what needs to be said.
3. Understanding.
We all have our standards when it comes to love and relationships. These standards are based on our upbringing, past experiences and personality. We bring this into a relationship and most of the times, if not always, we expect that our partner meets these standards. They don’t and even if they can meet some they can’t possibly meet all. Furthermore, don’t even think that you can change your partner to fit your standards.
Understanding goes hand in hand with acceptance. Once you have accepted that you are different – different backgrounds, experiences, lessons, standards, etc. – then maybe you can understand where your partner is coming from, why he/she has certain beliefs, mores and behaviors. The manner in which he/she communicates or expresses himself maybe different from yours and by accepting that difference and understanding his way of communicating then maybe there will be less friction and less expectation that will provide a comfortable half way point where both of you can meet.
The expectation that comes with these standards normally result in frustration, desperation, unhappiness and pain and the only way I believe this can be solved is understanding.
4. Forgiveness.
This is definitely the hardest of the four ways to make a marriage work. Sometimes I even think of it as an absolute impossibility. But we are all humans. We make mistakes. Even with the best intentions sometimes we may hurt our partners and this is normal. It is normal because we are different as mentioned earlier. Sometimes what you think is best is worst for your partner. What you think is sweet is disgusting for your partner.
The sad part is that there is a tendency to remember what was done wrong more than what was done right. Why? Because we take what is right for granted. To do what is right is to be expected so no special attention is given to this. However, when something wrong is done, it stands out. It hurts and pain is one form of negative reinforcement our brain will always remember. Problem is this normally results in griping, bitterness, bickering, etc. For every fight all the sins of the past come to the fore.
The only way to move on and continue working progressively on your relationship is to forgive but that will not be possible without the 3 factors mentioned earlier on – trust, intimacy and understanding.
Yes, forgiveness is not easy but nobody said marriage would be easy either.
Now I’m not going to be self-righteous and say, hey you don’t have #3 or #2, then your relationship is doomed to fail. No, No, No. These are just what I’ve learned and what I’d like to share with everybody else. It’s not easy and it’s not a one-shot deal. Marriage takes a lot of fortitude and a lot more love than expected. So far these have worked for me and I hope it works for you too….
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